Those words have been echoing in my head a lot these past few days. When we were on retreat, Simon, one of the SALTers, shared this with us during the evening when all of us short-term folks were invited to share. Although I don't really remember the rest of what he had to say about that phrase that was given to the SALTers when they first got here, the phrase has stuck with me ever since.
You are not alone in the desert.
It is currently the middle of January and things are feeling rather dry. There are days when I just want to crawl into bed and give up. Today is one of those days. This month is one of those months.
You are not alone in the desert.
It is funny how I can constantly be surrounded my people and feel completely alone. It's devastating how I can stand in church, where people are clearly deep in the emotion of Christ and I am wondering around, feeling nothing but frustration and anger.
You are not alone in the desert.
If any of you have been following my teammates' blogs than you'll know that BCI has started intense praying session every weekday, including regular Monday night prayer, 5am prayer Tuesday-Thursday, and a half night of prayer on Friday nights. For someone who has been struggling with going to church lately, this has been rather torturous. It isn't really mandatory – but it also feels kind of like when your mom tells you that she won't tell you what to do, but it's strongly implied what you should be doing. So if you don't do it, you feel bad about it forever. Monday evening prayer is typically good (and some days I even get more out of that time than a regular Sunday morning service), but everything else has been a hit and miss thus far. I did manage to go to one of the early morning prayers. Boy, was that a struggle on several different levels. Despite how tired I was when we got back, I didn't go back to bed. Instead, I found more holiness and closeness to God when I did the morning dishes in the manse listening to David Crowder Band then I did walking around the sanctuary trying to find words to say.
You are not alone in the desert
I actually got something out of the sermon today, which might have been the first time since being here. But I was reminded that Jesus gives us vision. Vision to get out of the desert, and I believe that will happen. Eventually. But it's just getting there that gives me trouble.
You are not alone in the desert
I really have nothing profound to say other than I am grateful for that phrase and the truth found in it lately.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Your courts above…
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You're not alone in the desert. I sense in your writings an authentic spirituality that is uniquely yours and which no one can take from you, nor should you feel undue pressure to change the way you relate to God because many around you are doing it different. As one of the IVEPers also said at retreat, "there are many things that we can/should change about our own lives in our encounter with a different culture, but our 'spiritual life' [his phrase}--that cannot be changed. Each person has his/her unique intimacy with the Creator, and it is precisely in expressing in your unique way that you are able to be a source of strength for others.
ReplyDeleteAnna, you are on a great journey and indeed you are not alone - may you see the vision to continue on.
ReplyDeleteAnna, I know it's tough here in PMB, and at times it's incredibly draining, and I know that prayer is incredibly exhausting, but I think it's important for you to know that you aren't alone in the desert, When I go to Early morning prayer, I haven't found a closeness there either, it's just so draining.
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