Fast Reflections

It's been more than a week since the BCI church wide fast ended, so it's about time that I posted about this.

First of all, let me begin by saying that isn't necessarily something I chose to do. I know, I know, that's horrible. Basically when it comes down to it, the real reason I was fasting was because everyone else was. I had no particular thing I was trying to pray about during the week, nor was I completely sure why the church as a whole was fasting besides the fact that the church always does this during the first of the year.

Secondly, let me also say that I wasn't completely hardcore about the fast either. Gabby and I chose to eat only one meal a day, compared to the liquids only that is more popular.

Thirdly, let me say that it completely sucked. I knew very well (even before going into this) that the reason I was doing this was terrible. Plus, who likes giving up food? Also, our week last week was particularly crazy – even more than usual. Our mornings tended to be fairly different from our normal schedule. So guess what? I think I prayed less when I was on my fast. Yikes. I did have one good day of prayer but other than that I spent most of the fast being frustrated, hungry, and completely exhausted.

I believe that I hit one of my lowest points during this fast last week. I remember one evening when I was sitting on my bed (instead of sleeping) journaling out my rage at God, the church, and mostly, myself, and wondering in particularly, what in the world I am doing wrong. That evening must have helped a lot because the next day was a whole lot better. And maybe the point of this fast for me ended up being that it broken me even farther down in order for God to restore me, to bring me back up. Even though I know my emotions still roam on their own a lot and that some days are still a huge challenge, I did come to this conclusion. I am no longer going to let my experience with God be confined by the institution that is the church. When I keep doing that – putting God in a box, or worse, letting the church put God in a box for, I keep coming back to the same wall of guilt that I cannot get past. I need to be free from that.

I also was reading The Shack this past week too. And although I think that the writing is fairly mediocre, I found a lot of treasures in this book. There is a point in the story where the main character, Mack, hangs out with Jesus. The two lay on their backs by the lake, watching the stars. And there was no pressure to pray in tongues, or to fall on the floor but instead Jesus was right there, next to him. And although this is a fictional story, it stirred up inside of me this real desire. That's what I want – to be able to hang out with Jesus, no pressure, just complete acceptance. Later on in the story, the "papa" character who embodies God (an African-American women, which is awesome) tells Mack when he is feeling guilty, "Guilt'll never help you find freedom in me [God] The best it can do is make you try harder to conform to some ethic on the outside. I'm about the inside." This part of the story really spoke volumes to me during a really low point here (and maybe my life) especially in the context of this church where I feel like I am not doing things "right."

Well, I don't know if I have any more "profound" thoughts as a result of this past week. All I know is that God can be found in the most unexpected places and even if I am not doing things "correctly" according to BCI's standards, I am fully accepted by God. So if I needed to not eat for a whole week to figure that out – I guess, so be it.

Earth's crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God, But only he who sees takes of his shoes; The rest sit around it and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning