Leaving Church

(I wrote this blog for Radical Journey, but thought it was fitting enough to post on my own blog as well. Enjoy).

I discovered that faith did not have the least thing to do with certainty. Insofar as I had any faith at all, that faith consisted of trusting God in the fact of my vastly painful ignorance… I have learned to seek holy ignorance more highly than religious certainty (pp 224).

I have a lot of respect for the author of Leaving Church, Barbara Brown Taylor. This book spoke more profoundly to me than I thought it would. Not only is it a beautiful work on creative nonfiction (so much more refreshing than The Long Loneliness too), but it has met me here at BCI and has spoken volumes of truth from the place where I am right now.

Church here as been a struggle and most days I feel completely broken. Some days, it's as if I cannot really breathe in church. I didn't really realize how deep this brokenness ran until I left the grounds of BCI recently, breathing in the fresh air of South Africa. I didn't realize what I've been missing this whole time. This realization has also come to me between the lines of my writing. As I begin to write and reflect, I realize that I am standing in this vast void of my fears, longing for something that I've been unaware of.

My heart hurts a lot for several reasons, some of which go unnamed even to me. But after reading this book, I understand some of them a little bit better. Being here has brought me a greater understanding of the mystery of God. I know where I come from and what beliefs I stand by as a Mennonite. But my attempts to grasp the notion of who God is have been completely blown wide open. I have no doubt that God is alive and well at BCI, but I still struggle here and feel like a complete failure when I don't experience God in the same way that a thousand other people here do. And according to BCI standards, I don't. That is why I am grateful for Barbara Brown Taylor's story because it feels like mine (even though our lives don't align at all). Faith that looks different then the kind found behind the walls of the church is still faith. It is still valid.

I really like the quote I used at the beginning of this. Faith is so risky and unstable and uncertain. And painful. I never thought of it like that but real faith can hurt. Sometimes faith sucks. Following Jesus is hard work and the "devil inside me" often wants to check out. But I know that grace thrives, even when I am unaware of it. I know that God is this extravagant lover. Even when I feel completely out of reach, I still have no choice but to pursue God, even if it's half heartedly sometimes, because I know in the deepest parts me that God is. God is love. And that God is closer to me than my very own heart beat – even when I can't hear it over the noise of BCI or feeling like the worst Christian ever because I don't like sitting in church to the point that it makes me want to cry.

Here, I have learned that God can be found in the most unexpected places – like in the lines of my notebook, a letter from my sister, and an orphan kitty found in a pile of brush.

I really wish I had Rob Bell's book Velvet Elvis here with me, (since I keep trying to quote it). I really liked the part of the book that talked about how God is truth and so when good moments occur that God is in them. When truth is found in these moments, we claim them for God. Because God is truth. There is no separation. And I felt that yesterday evening as we cleaned up after supper, my team all singing out loud to Taylor Swift as we did the dishes and made cookies for dessert. God was in that moment. God had to be – there was no way he couldn't have been since it filled me to the brim with joy.

When I find God like that in the ordinary – in all these out of bounds type of ways – it blows my mind and I cannot help but think that God is there, right with us, singing along with Taylor Swift and rejoicing over his children.

Towards the end of her book, Barbara Brown Taylor talks about things that are currently "saving her life" in the context of her faith. I like this notion – that there are things currently in my life and keep me from losing my faith. I decided to look for these things and found that they weren't very far away.

Phil and Christine are currently saving my life. Not only their counsel but also with their hospitality and open-arm love for us. They always seem to know when we need a break and invite us to things that "restore my soul" in a manner of speaking.

God's beauty found in creation is currently saving my life. When we leave town and head out to the countryside, I am always amazed at how beautiful South Africa is. In between the green mountains and hovering over the blue lakes, God is there pulling me close.

Radical Journey is currently saving my life. Not only the program as a whole (that makes me read books like these) but also my teammates. Through Tim's faithfulness, Kyle's helpfulness, Connie's enthusiasm, and Gabby's gentleness I am seeing God. Whether it's laughing around the dinner table or struggling with tough BCI things together, God's grace so abundantly abounds.

Weeks like this, I cling on to those moments of truth with all my heart. It keeps my faith alive.