Take my life

Thursday is usually my favorite day of the week. And it is. On Thursday's we have carved out the evening for our team time. No one from BCI is allowed to "schedule" us then. The thing I can't figure out is why I can have a reasonably good day and still feel completely melancholy. I don't get it. It was even my day to cook.

I was standing in the kitchen this evening, waiting for the cheese to melt on the lentil dish I was baking in the oven when I had another "MP3" moment. The Passion Worship Band song "Take my Life." (This particular song is a remake of the classic hymn). And maybe it's because I haven't heard hymns in a long time that it was so powerful in that moment. The chorus of the song says, "Take my life, all of me, Take my life, it's all for Thee."

And I guess I have never really, honestly thought about how painful or uncomfortable actually surrendering one year – let alone my life- would be. I am here for a whole year, people, which is terrible to think of when I don't believe October is ever going to end (and there are only 2 more days left in this month). But during the crescendo of the song, I wanted to cry. There. In the manse kitchen. While supper was practically finished and my four hungry teammates sat in the living room. Waiting.

Yet, I didn't want to pull the dinner out just then because I didn't want that moment to be brushed over too quickly. Ever since I've been here, I have yet to feel any real connection to, well, anything authentic. Or so it seems.

There was beauty in that brokenness, although I don't feel like I have any real conclusion from this "moment in the kitchen with God." After all, tomorrow is Friday, which means the dreaded weekend is here. And we have to go to church for what seems like 72 hours. Woo. But it was something.

And if nothing else, here I am. Trying to let go of any expectations I have for, well, anything.

Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee

Oh man.