The Missing Bookend

In the living room we have a pile of books sitting on the desk. Considering how much we had to pack and carry here, it’s amazing that so many books made the cut – we have everything Shane Claiborne and Dorothy Day to Agatha Christie and Star Trek books (thanks to the treker Tim). It’s definitely an eclectic collection.

In the beginning days, I have tried to set these books up without bookends. But the books don’t like to stay in their make shift bookends. They are constantly toppling over each other due to their lack of stability or as we constantly move stuff around the desk and the room. Without bookends, it will always been an uphill battle. It’s really frustrating. Why won’t these stupid books stay up? (As it turns out, I have a lot of issues with clutter, which is odd for someone who typical has piles everywhere in her room).

Lately, I feel like those stupid books a lot – trying so hard to stand, but still regularly finding myself lying in a heap on the ground. But I shouldn’t feel like this, right? After all, I have a ton of support behind me. For example…

Pastor Russell and Nina Toohey keep telling us how much of a blessing we are by being here and so far, I have yet to figure out why. Really? There is no possible way that is true – especially right now.

We just got a new washing machine today (hooray! None of us have done laundry since the last few days of Chicago living, and will still be a few more since the machine isn’t set up yet). Every time I see it sitting in the kitchen I am reminded of how much the Radical Journey staff (the people who giving us money for these types of things) are supporting us right now. And Phil and Christine too – they’ve been so helpful.

Today, I am wearing silver earrings that look like trees from the women at Asheville Mennonite Church. Every time I look in a mirror or feel their movement as a turn my head, I am reminded of how supported that congregation is behind me, (which is amazing since they haven’t known me for that long).

And I am thankful for all this support, otherwise I definitely wouldn’t have even made it to the table. But thinking of all this support makes me feel very inadequate. We’re not doing anything. All I am doing today is sitting here, eating a burnt cookie, and generally feeling really grumpy. (I know that this isn’t forever but it’s often hard for me to move past the current reality).

Generally speaking, I often deal with feeling inadequate, especially here in Africa where everyone seems to be lively and energetic – and then there is me the quiet observer. Okay, well first of all I need to clarify some things. I may be quiet but I am not a quiet person. Even though I have a lot of those tendencies, it does not definite who I am. (I have things to say, people. It’s just sometimes people don’t shut up enough to listen). But in new environments, whether here for back in the States, it takes me awhile to warm up to new places and faces. I like relationships to evolve naturally otherwise I feel like they are not genuine. Yet, there already have been some cases where I have been labeled “the quiet one.” That is really frustrating. I feel like I need to be this crazy, outgoing person that I am not in order to fit in here. Yet, that’s not me. So like those books, I keep falling over into this awful self-critique of my personality. Still, I am different. Those books don’t have any other type of support and I do. So why am I constantly falling over? Why are there days like today when all I can seem to do is have a terrible attitude?

I think that I may be stretching here for an analogy (I guess this is what I get for trying to blog when I’m tired), but nevertheless it’s hard to have perspective when the bookends aren’t there. I have no idea where this journey will lead me. I know how it started, but I am missing the other bookend: how this is all going to end. So in the meantime, I guess I’ll keep falling over, continue to pick myself back up, and try to stabilize my life here.