Depressing December

I am tired of this.

I know completely well that I am going to get reprimanded from all sides for that statement. I haven't blogged for several days now mostly because I know people are tired of reading my "depressing view of life" right now. But this is still the reality that I deal with everyday, so if you want a glimpse of how I am doing – this is how I am doing.

I am not sure if it's because it's December and I am doing my best to pretend like it isn't. (It's helpful that BCI apparently doesn't do anything "advent-y") Or if it's because tomorrow marks our 3^rd official month of being here and I still feel like I haven't adjusted to do anything or really done anything besides sit in church. Nor do I really believe that's going to change anytime soon. This is life here in December and right now I am doing my best to suck it up and get out of bed in the morning. If there was a wall, I've definitely hit it.

Phil keeps reminding us to not find worth in what we are doing here, which is really helpful but also really depressing. It's not that I believed that I was going to "change the world" or even South Africa or even PMB, but I guess I was under the impression that what I would be doing would hold some type of meaning. I should be fair and say that sometimes it does (i.e. when I help with ESL). Yet there are days like today when I felt like I was wasting everyone's time – mine, BCI's and maybe even God's.

What's incredibly frustrating is that there is tons of need around us but I am completely immobilized to do anything or even know where to begin. Yesterday, I went with Christine down the street from the church to a woman in Christine's cell. This was the first time that I was in a house in this neighborhood. It was pretty eye opening to the poverty that plagues South Africa.

On the short walk back to the church, I asked Christine if BCI has any type of "social ministry" that can help people in their direct neighborhood pay the bills or provide for other needs. Christine informed me that the poverty is so great that it is really overwhelming since everyone's situation is rather similar. So where would we even begin?

It breaks my heart a lot. Not only because poverty is so ugly and devastating but also because every Sunday I hear the same thing. We need to be raising thousands of rand for this huge, fancy new tent for BCI. I will give them credit and say that putting up a new tent instead of a building Is a good idea since a new building would cost a hundred times more than a tent. Still, I am not sure how I am going to sit this tent next year without weeping while a lady literally two doors down lives without electricity because they are so far behind in their bill. How can I believe that there is nothing we can do about this? Why don't I have a big enough imagination to spark some ideas about how to love our neighbors? It makes me feel even more trapped.

I'm not okay with excepting this fancy new tent surrounded by rundown buildings and lives. Christine told me that the church used to have a soup kitchen once a week but stopped awhile ago and that they tried to have a food pantry but that didn't really work in this context for some reason. But there has to be something, right?

Regardless, something needs to change….