Wrapping it all up

I definitely do not feel like blogging right now, but we are currently sitting the edge of a New Year here so I feel like I cannot miss this opportunity to blog as I jump into the New Year way before all my friends and family back home. So Happy Almost New Year.

Well, okay, let me get my cynical side out of the way quickly here by saying I generally think New Years Eve is the most overrated day of the year. Yep. I generally do not enjoy it. I don't mind staying up late-ish, but when it becomes a forced activity, dang it man, I hate it. There is so much pressure to be awesome and, well, I usually fail because all I want to do is go to bed. Dumb. This year, we will be spending New Years Eve by going to church for 10-12 prayer and then we are going to Yonela's house for an "after-prayer party" with the youth. Woot. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. Currently, we are all sitting in the living (or "lounge" in SA lingo) waiting for 10 to get here while we listen to the base from the neighbor's house. Boom, boom, boom.

But anyway, let's do a little recap. So 2009, where did I find myself?

-In Musselman Library at Bluffton University, studying and working on my writing and fighting with Pilgram Marpeck (ha)

- laughing so much I got a daily ab workout, crying, celebrating life, and generally being awesome with all my Bluffton friends as we said goodbye to an institution we finally learned to love.

- Driving through the mountains of North Carolina, learning to appreciate a new place and people

- Traveling hundreds of miles with my family, mostly in the back seat of my sister and brother-in-law's car with their dog, Scooter

-packing up my bags and nervously heading to Chicago where I met 17 incredible individuals and prepared to partake on this Radical Journey

- Stepping on African soil (something I never really considered doing before) and getting on step closer to achieving my goal of eating ice cream on every inhabited continent. Check.

2009: yep good things happened here.

As we sit and wait for the New Year to creep its way here, I can't help but think of Jill Enoch (my wonderful roommate from college) and how, for some reason, our sophomore year or so at Bluffton we decided that 2010 was going to be "Good times, 2010." I have no idea why we thought this, but I believe that Jille and I were on to something. I believe that 2010 will be full of good times because I will get to see my family again in this year, I will get to see my dear friends again, but also, I believe I will love Africa at some point in 2010.

Sitting on the edge of a new year is always exciting, a little daunting, but still exciting. It's crazy to think about how last year during this time I had no idea what I would be sitting halfway across the world in a city I had never even heard of. So thinking about this coming year, I wonder where I will be 12 months from now. Generally speaking, I don't really like to think too deeply about what is next for me after Radical Journey (since, unlike everyone else, school isn't waiting for me when we get back). It sometimes makes me really freaked out that I don't have some type of "plan." Yet, living life with no set plans is pretty neat. Scary, but still fine. I have no idea what is going to come next so at least life isn't going to be dull.

Alright 2010 – let's do this thing.

A South African Christmas

Sometimes my immune system likes to give up on Christmas day. More often than not, I tend to get a cold on the holiday (or so it seems – maybe I just notice it more often). Well, that's what happened again this year. On Christmas Eve I lay in my bed, wide awake – not waiting for Santa but rather battling with a terribly dry and scratchy throat. "Oh man," I thought. "This is not how I want this Christmas to be."

Thankfully, despite the fact that I didn't feel well at all, it turned out to be a good day.

Christmas morning we woke up early and headed off to church. This was probably the hardest part of the day for me since we did not sing Christmas songs and the sermon was not about the birth of Jesus. In fact, it just felt like another typical Sunday at BCI, which was really disappointing. But at least the sermon was about Jesus so I guess that's something. I did my best to choke back tears as I tried to sing along to songs that I didn't know.

Afterwards, though, the day definitely started looking up. When we were dismissed from church we headed back to the manse for our "team Christmas" time where we opened our presents and stockings and then ate a lot of cinnamon rolls for "second breakfast." For lunch we then headed off with Marco and Melanie Voller, a couple from our church who invited us over for the afternoon. We ended up at Marco's parent's house in Woodlands, surrounded by lots of people and tons (and I do mean TONS) of food. I think they're might have been 5 different platters of meat alone, not to mention all the salads, side dishes and desserts. It was delicious – but more importantly we got to spend more time with Marco and Melanie who are a really awesome couple. It's moments like this that I am happy to be here – even though I wasn't with my family and even though I had a terrible cold. By the time we left to head back to the manse, our car was packed with leftovers and medicine by incredible people who invited us into their homes on Christmas day no less.

Still, it is nice to have Christmas day behind us now, even though it is a great holiday. But it was one of the things I was dreading about coming here and now it is over. Plus now I know what it is like to feel like to "skip Christmas," - living in a church community that doesn't really talk about it as well as being stripped of tons of commercialism that is associated with the day (and that I generally hate). It's both a good and bad thing. One, I am sure, that I won't forget any time soon.

T’was the night before Christmas…

I remember exactly where I was last year. I was lying on the couch in the living room since my relatives were occupying my room. "T'was the night before Christmas" and everyone in the house was asleep, except me. I couldn't get comfortable. I kept staring at the living room window, smelling the fragrance of the evergreen tree, and thinking. Why this moment stands out so much is because I distinctively remember thinking "I might not be here next year." And then I started to panic. During this point, I had been thinking about participating in Radical Journey but I hadn't decided "officially" (and maybe even hadn't applied yet). I am not sure why I remember this moment so clearly, but it materialism a very real thing that might have kept me from going overseas – my family.

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that December has been a really hard month here. Yesterday, in particularly has been really challenging for no particular reason besides the fact that I am here and not in North Carolina, or Kansas, or Illinois. Yesterday was even killer hot so it didn't even seem like the "big day" was coming up.

But today was different. It's been cold and rainy and I must have woken up with a new perspective because I wouldn't have had it any other way. Tomorrow is supposed to be "cold-ish" too and I am super pumped about the rain. I knew this morning as my team moved around the house in a sad silence that I needed to do something awesome to keep this day for killing our spirits.

So Connie and I baked. All day long. It was awesome.

First though we had to run uptown to Pick N' Pay (which was utter madness) to pick up some stocking stuffers that we decided we wanted to have. (Okay, this was a great PnP experience, despite the fact that we had to crawl over people in the store. There was a man there playing the violin for everyone. After he played a Christmas song he asked an employee what her favorite song was. Since she was busy with a customer she kind of waved him off. So instead of leaving the man starting playing that song from the Lion King. You know, "In the jungle the mighty jungle…" followed by the national anthem. Weird but awesome). On our way home we stopped at this Indian food place that we love to get samoosas and roti rolls. Yes.

Then we baked and baked and baked until our feet ached and our kitchen table was covered with goodies for BCI staff.

It was a beautiful thing.

Then we ended the day by eating Pakistani Kima in the living room (since our table is still covered with baked goods) and then watched Third Watch.

I still wish I could be back home right now but still, it's been a good day.

Youth Leader Forecasting

This weekend we headed out to Albert Falls with the youth leaders of BCI for their annual forecasting event (aka planning meeting for next year). And despite the fact that we didn't get to see the actual falls of Albert Falls, it was still a great time. Yes, that's right, I said great time. I've really been struggling lately with most BCI related activities. But I can confidently say that today was the first BCI related activity that I enjoyed being a part of. Even though we had to sit through meetings all day today, it still was great.

We arrived at Albert Falls yesterday evening in time for supper and spent the whole evening planning games – especially this crazy "catch phrase" type game called 30 seconds. Awesome. And even though I can be really awkward around people I don't know, it was wonderful to have time to just have fun together and actually start building some real, authentic relationships here. I am not there quite yet but the foundations are starting to be laid. Hallelujah. Actually the evening continued long into the night as we females sat up and talked about the craziest of topics until 2:30 in the morning.

Tomorrow is the church's annual picnic and I am actually really excited about it. Why? Because we don't have to go to traditional church but instead we get to hang out with the youth leaders again and eat and hopefully play ultimate Frisbee. I believe it's supposed to rain tomorrow so I am desperately hoping that won't happen… Plus we get to go back to Albert Falls, so we might have to have a search committee to go and actual find the falls.

Driving

I am not sure when I'm ever going to have enough gumption. Maybe I never will.

I mean this one two levels. The first is the border, general sense of living here in South Africa and the second is the main focus of this blog: driving. I hate driving. Generally speaking, I am not a big fan of driving at home. Don't get me wrong. I do it all the time and boldly too. I've made a 10 hour road trip in one shot, all by myself. Regardless, it still isn't my favorite thing to do no matter how liberating it may be to be alone in the car, with the stereo up, and the North Carolina Mountains in the background.

Here it is much worse. All my fears of driving are emphasized, like they are on speed. And I am not sure how I am going to overcome this besides just sucking it up and doing it. Yet, I am not a fan of that – because driving here seems insanely dangerous. Everybody (especially Kombis) do whatever the heck they want whenever they feel like it.

Today we went with the BCI staff to a day at the beach, which was really great – we got some sun, saw the ocean, and got a week day off of work. Awesome. But this day at the beach also include more adventures with the ballade. First of all, this car is so ghetto. The bumper is currently held on with zip ties. (We won't mention how it got that way). Needless to say, its current condition does not make me more excited about driving it ever. Anyway, on our way home we almost got in 2-3 accidents. Ugh. The scariest one happened because we were spotted in traffic on this monster of a hill. And the car needs a ton of gas to go anywhere – let alone up a hill. Thankfully we did not hit the car behind us, and after stalling out 3 times we finally got up the hill and my heartbeat eventually resumed its normal rate. I wasn't even driving. Still, if I had been in this situation I would've lost it. I get in the car and just wait for the chance to get out again – and that's not even when I am driving.

If nothing else, the ballade has made me pray more.

Ugh.

Christmas-like behavior

As Christmas quickly approaches I do my best to try and avoid it. This is the not usual avoidance of not wanting to go to the mall during the holiday season since it's a madhouse (both back home and in PMB). Instead, this is a don't-even-think-about-it type of suppressed emotion. Christmas is not coming here. How can it be when songs like "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" ring out in the hot December air or storefronts are decorated in snowflakes? It's summer here so how does that make sense?

Trying to forget what time of the year actually has been pretty easy since it is summer so of course it doesn't feel like Christmas time at all (unless, of course, it's raining and cloudy, which it has been lately). This is probably not healthy behavior, but I don't like to think about what my family and friends will be doing next week. It makes me feel really frustrated that I am here, in South Africa, doing nothing.

Despite all of these things, we have done some "Christmas-like" things. For instance, last Friday we went to Andrew and Karen Suderman's house for the evening. (Andrew and Karen are Mennonite people here from Canada). Since Karen is very crafty we females spent the evening baking cookies, decorating them (and eating them too of course) and crocheting/knitting. (The boys played xbox with Andrew). It was awesome listening to Christmas music and rolling out cookie dough, though it was still rather weird especially since we ate hamburgers on the grill for supper (which is my favorite summer activity). Christmas and summer – so the best of both worlds.

Also, sitting in our living room now is a baby Christmas tree. It's the most pathetic thing next to Charlie Brown's. We are too cheap to waste our money on Christmas decorations so the only thing we used to decorate it is popcorn. Actually, we didn't even buy our own tree, we are borrowing it from Andrew and Karen. Pretty ridiculous. But I guess it is in to at least have something in the manse.

What can I say? I'm very excited for Christmas 2010

Depressing December

I am tired of this.

I know completely well that I am going to get reprimanded from all sides for that statement. I haven't blogged for several days now mostly because I know people are tired of reading my "depressing view of life" right now. But this is still the reality that I deal with everyday, so if you want a glimpse of how I am doing – this is how I am doing.

I am not sure if it's because it's December and I am doing my best to pretend like it isn't. (It's helpful that BCI apparently doesn't do anything "advent-y") Or if it's because tomorrow marks our 3^rd official month of being here and I still feel like I haven't adjusted to do anything or really done anything besides sit in church. Nor do I really believe that's going to change anytime soon. This is life here in December and right now I am doing my best to suck it up and get out of bed in the morning. If there was a wall, I've definitely hit it.

Phil keeps reminding us to not find worth in what we are doing here, which is really helpful but also really depressing. It's not that I believed that I was going to "change the world" or even South Africa or even PMB, but I guess I was under the impression that what I would be doing would hold some type of meaning. I should be fair and say that sometimes it does (i.e. when I help with ESL). Yet there are days like today when I felt like I was wasting everyone's time – mine, BCI's and maybe even God's.

What's incredibly frustrating is that there is tons of need around us but I am completely immobilized to do anything or even know where to begin. Yesterday, I went with Christine down the street from the church to a woman in Christine's cell. This was the first time that I was in a house in this neighborhood. It was pretty eye opening to the poverty that plagues South Africa.

On the short walk back to the church, I asked Christine if BCI has any type of "social ministry" that can help people in their direct neighborhood pay the bills or provide for other needs. Christine informed me that the poverty is so great that it is really overwhelming since everyone's situation is rather similar. So where would we even begin?

It breaks my heart a lot. Not only because poverty is so ugly and devastating but also because every Sunday I hear the same thing. We need to be raising thousands of rand for this huge, fancy new tent for BCI. I will give them credit and say that putting up a new tent instead of a building Is a good idea since a new building would cost a hundred times more than a tent. Still, I am not sure how I am going to sit this tent next year without weeping while a lady literally two doors down lives without electricity because they are so far behind in their bill. How can I believe that there is nothing we can do about this? Why don't I have a big enough imagination to spark some ideas about how to love our neighbors? It makes me feel even more trapped.

I'm not okay with excepting this fancy new tent surrounded by rundown buildings and lives. Christine told me that the church used to have a soup kitchen once a week but stopped awhile ago and that they tried to have a food pantry but that didn't really work in this context for some reason. But there has to be something, right?

Regardless, something needs to change….